Pregnancy Will Likely Kill You but You May Want Babies!
A look at misogyny in medicine, bodily autonomy, infertility and the struggles women face with not being trusted to make decisions for their own body.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about my emergency hysterectomy and the medical gaslighting and neglect that almost killed me. Writing it (and the responses I received) brought up a flood of emotions that I wasn’t expecting or fully prepared to deal with.
Reliving the experience also reminded me of the years that preceded the hysterectomy - and my struggles getting doctors to take me seriously, trust me to make decisions about my own body, or even employ some common sense.
It inspired me to write this post about bodily autonomy, misogyny in medicine and the patriarchal nature of society that seems to assume ALL women must become mothers. Even if it risks their lives.
When I was 21 I was told I was likely infertile but that pregnancy could (and probably would) kill me.
I asked to have my tubes tied and was told “You’re too young. You may change your mind and want kids.”
Somehow I had been simultaneously advised that pregnancy would likely end my life and that I may want to do it anyways. Doctors gave me this advice - repeatedly - with a straight face. ‘You really should avoid getting pregnant - it’s not safe for you’ was often quickly followed by ‘oh but one day you might want kids and change your mind!’
First off - this was devastating news at such a young age. I had stage four endometriosis, a tipped uterus, adenomyosis and other health issues that made pregnancy unlikely AND dangerous.
I was told in the event I became pregnant - they would have to recommend termination. Abortion would ALSO be risky to my health - though less risky than carrying a pregnancy to term.
Given the threat it seemed perfectly reasonable to request a more fail safe method of birth control (tubal ligation).
I had a laparoscopic surgery planned to try and remove some of the endometriosis - so I asked if they would tie my tubes while they were in there. I wasn’t asking for an unnecessary or risky surgery - just for them to perform a small procedure while already working on my reproductive organs. Tying my tubes was a negligible risk compared to the rest of the surgery.
Imagine my shock when I was informed they wouldn’t do it because I might change my mind and want kids.
I asked them whether my “changing my mind” would alter my prognosis or their recommendation. Nope. They would still recommend termination.
Image Description: A photo of a telephone pole with a blue sign posted to it. Black text reads ‘We should all be feminists’.
This was the first time I truly understood how deep misogyny and patriarchal values ran in medicine. My theoretical ability to bear children - whether I wanted them or not and whether it was safe or not - was more important than my health and my life.
It was infuriating. An IUD wasn’t an option for a myriad of reasons so I was stuck on hormonal birth control that I didn’t tolerate well. I was also getting sicker from the endometriosis & adenomyosis… and it quickly became clear a hysterectomy would be my best option.
Given doctors weren’t willing to entertain a tubal ligation - you can only imagine how they felt about a hysterectomy. I faced the same tired arguments about how I could change my mind, I was too young, and the most galling of all - “what if you meet the man of your dreams and HE wants you to have children?”
I got these responses from male and female physicians - all of whom were willing to let my health significantly deteriorate rather than “make me barren”. None of whom listened to what I wanted to do with MY body.
I continued to push for surgery because I knew it was what I needed - and was forced to undergo multiple psych evaluations. In these evaluations I was asked things like “don’t you want to be a mother” and once again “what if you meet your dream man and he leaves you because you can’t bear HIS children.” The emphasis was almost always on the hypothetical MAN - and what HE might want.
I had good answers for everything. I pointed out that I was far too sick to care for myself let alone a child. That I could adopt if I changed my mind or my health improved. That any man who would leave me because I couldn’t give him biological children was NOT the man of my dreams. Many of these answers were met with dismissive sneers or proclamations that I might feel differently when I was ‘in love.’
When I said I wasn’t healthy enough to care for a child they said I might rally when I got the urge to be a mother. When I mentioned adoption it was met with ‘you may want biological children - many women do.’
Image Description: An illustration of the female anatomy with the title ‘uterus anatomy.’ It shows the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, and cervix depicted as flowers with a heart at the bottom.
How is it appropriate to ask ANY woman these questions? Let alone a woman who has been told - repeatedly - that pregnancy would put her life in jeopardy? It was as though they thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to risk my life for a hypothetical baby.
Then I Got A Boyfriend
When I started dating someone - I brought him with me to meet the gynaecologist in the hopes HE could change her mind. Instead they asked HIM to sit through an inquisition where he had to repeatedly assure them he wouldn’t “leave me” for being unable to procreate. We had only been dating a few months, were not serious and yet they felt entitled to his reassurance that he would stay with me even if I was - gasp - barren.
The experience was infuriating - especially considering the tenuous state of my health. I was in and out of ERs with severe anemia and hypotension. Off work repeatedly because I couldn’t get off the bathroom floor. Yet I was somehow supposed to WANT to become a mother?
Had my boyfriend wanted a vasectomy no one would have batted an eye. Men are simply trusted to know what’s best for their bodies. No one cares if a man doesn’t want to have children. There’s no stigma about the childless cat MAN.
Yet here I was being told I couldn’t possibly make a sound choice for my own health and wellbeing - while simultaneously being pushed to raise a child. Even at 21 it struck me as odd that they thought I was good enough to be a parent - but not to make my own health decisions.
The hysterectomy eventually happened - albeit as an emergency due to severe blood loss. Even then they kept saying “are you sure you understand you won’t be able to have kids?” I can assure you that when you’re bleeding to death - you’re not thinking about whether you can have children. You’re just trying to stay alive.
You can read more about that experience - and the severe medical neglect and gaslighting that followed it - here:
All I understood in that moment was I felt like nothing more than an incubator.
We need to respect women more. We are just as capable of making choices for our health as men. We don’t all WANT to have children - and not all of us are capable of having children. It doesn’t make us “less than”. Moreover - some of us don’t get what we want. Even if I desperately wanted to be a mother - if pregnancy was going to put my life in danger and I was too sick to raise children - what I wanted really didn’t matter. You have to play the hand you’re dealt.
The way I was treated left me with significant medical trauma and a general distrust of doctors… because at no point did I truly feel like they had my best interests at heart.
I’m more than my fertility. More than my ability to be someone’s girlfriend, wife or mother. More than my disabilities. I’m a whole person who had hopes and dreams which were being actively discouraged by their reckless refusal to give me the medical care I needed.
This is of course not to discount the very real possibility that some women may come to regret their decision to have a tubal or a hysterectomy - but at a certain point that ceases to be a good reason to avoid providing necessary care. People do things all the time they later regret - informed consent means ensuring a patient knows what they’re choosing and that it can’t be reversed. It doesn’t mean badgering them for years about hypothetical babies and delaying medical care until they almost die.
My sincere hope is that in time this will never happen to any young woman. That they will be treated equally with men and allowed to choose for themselves what they want to do with their bodies. That they be believed, trusted and respected in all the ways I wasn’t.
I fear that we are going backwards - especially in the US with the overturning of Roe v Wade. I urge everyone to get involved, know your rights and push for better access to reproductive health for all women.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don’t want people to feel like there’s no hope - the goal of my publication is to shine light on the very serious issues facing disabled people as well as issues with the healthcare system. I genuinely believe we CAN do better - and it starts with sharing stories. All too often we are pushed into silence - shamed into thinking we are to blame or that these issues are too taboo to talk about. I do NOT agree. We must raise our voice and get loud so that others will understand these issues are more common than they realize.
What can you do?
Get involved with advocacy organizations in your area. Whether for disability rights, reproductive rights, masks in healthcare - the options are varied and they’re all great causes!
While you’re at it - make sure to learn as much as you can about Covid. We’ve been woefully misled with respect to the pandemic. People are not properly informed about the airborne nature of the virus, the risk of Long Covid or the vascular and multi-system effects of even a ‘mild’ infection. Knowledge is power and the more you know the better equipped you will be to protect yourself and your family. Check out
, and for excellent Covid related publications. You can also read my article on how to avoid Covid in the hospital (though many tips apply to any public setting).Educate yourself wherever possible on the struggles facing disabled and marginalized individuals as well as people of colour. Especially in healthcare settings. Our experience is NOT the same as what a straight white man experiences - and it shouldn’t be that way.
Read, subscribe and share publications that shine light on these topics. Amplify voices that are different than your own. Support people who are taking risks and sharing very personal struggles to help others.
Vote! This should go without saying - but you need to pay attention at the polls. Vote for leaders who care about improving healthcare and the rights of disabled and marginalized individuals.
Help out where you can. If there’s a disabled person in your life - offer to be an advocate for them in healthcare settings. I can’t stress enough how valuable having an advocate can be.
To learn more about reproductive rights and abortion in particular - I highly recommend Abortion, Everyday by
.
Have you experienced misogyny in medicine? Been denied access to necessary medical care and/or reproductive healthcare? I would love to hear your story! Please feel free to comment, ask questions and share your experiences below.
Thank you for telling this story!
Decades ago my father had cancer, and some medical professionals told him he shouldn't get radiation therapy because it might lead to infertility. But since he's a man, it didn't take him much effort to find a doctor who would give him radiation therapy. He ultimately recovered and, ironically, had kids.
I got a bilateral orchiectomy a few years ago. I'm a trans woman, so I faced substantially more gatekeeping than a cis man getting an orchie would face. The most eye-opening moment for me was when a representative from my insurance company said "Yes, we've seen enough evidence that you really need this treatment: we'll pay for almost all of it with a small co-pay," but the hospital staff kept saying (over MyChart) "we don't believe you really need this, so you aren't even allowed to schedule a consultation appointment."
The doctors put more gatekeeping on a *consultation appointment* than a freaking insurance company put on paying for the entire surgery.
I also like to draw comparisons to my cat. She was spayed when she was fairly young and had no children (that we know of). She did not have any serious health complications that required spaying. She did not receive two letters of readiness from psychiatrists asserting that she should be allowed to get spayed. Yet, she was allowed to do it. We give cat guardians more control over their cats' bodies than women and queer people have over our *own* bodies.
Well said. Thank you for speaking up against medical misogyny. As a physician, a writer, and an intentionally child-free uterus owner, I am actively working and writing against the exact thing that labels women child-like, baby vessels, and in need of pain. Please know there are many feminist patient advocates out there! We must find a way to believe women, together. ✊✊